Using Alternative Relationships to Save the Planet

Alternative relationships could be a key to reducing the amount of resources each individual uses. Our household structure has verged heavily towards living alone or as a couple preferably with children. This leaves us isolated, living without the security of family and unable to make any large changes in our culture and environment because we are simply trying to make ends meet for ourselves, not enough time, not enough energy.

Polyamorous households and other relationship configurations would give us more adaptability in our efforts to live sustainable lives. By pooling resources and focusing our household labors on self sufficiency, I think that we can still live comfortable lives, all the more enhanced by communing with our new "family". But in creating a new family we must learn to look outside of the monogomy box and just see what else is possible.

Why Two People per House, why not Three? Four? or More?

Let’s say two people living in a house together meet two other folks with whom they get along great with. Being the eco minded people that they are, they all move in together so that they don’t have to drive across town to have dinner, hang out, and snuggle in front of a movie together. The four of them love to buy their healthy food in bulk and have fun creating a beautiful house together, they only need one dog, and they have 4 book collections to choose from.

When the monthly bills come, they find the economic benefits of simple living as well. The house is bigger and more expensive but they only pay a forth. Their heating and electric bills roughly stayed the same as when there were two people. They had enough time to plant a garden and improve their recycling area. Their quality of life also increased. People converse on a regular basis sharing information and staying afoot of world events, support is given to those having a bad day, and in getting around to those good habits like doing yoga, reading more, and eating healthy. Best of all, they can curl up together everynight, sharing love and energy, happy in themselves and happy in their own mini community.

Many traditional housholds live like this, with the different generations, aunts and uncles included, live under one roof, dividing tasks, reducing the input needed for people to live on their own, and creating security.

Our culture is a bit different, change happens too fast for us to still find common ground with our grandparents, nor are they going to get any social security from their children deciding NOT to have kids. But we can shift over this housing scheme of multiple people per household to friends, lovers, those with common goals, interests, and lifestyles. The American culture encourages individual lives and personal exploration, but this new goal needs a major adjustment in how it can take place in the real world without taking such a major toll on the environment.

Eco-benefits
Less homes built, more efficient heating/cooling, less appliances and usage, less consumption of a plethora of things (towels, clothes, food packaging, dishes, pictures on the wall, staplers, blenders, toilet plungers), carpooling more likely and convenient, less driving around to be social, more labor available to reduce services needed (less fast food, convenience food, more attention devoted to reuse, composting, gardens, putting laundry on the line, ect.

Monogamy: Why mess with it? What are we trying to change?

Imagining a life

Explore the options, look at what you like to get out of relationships, what gives you energy? Are you into "open" sexuality but not into roommates, into the roommates but not so sure you can pull off polyamory? Whatever the case, you are the creator of your own life.

We must take responsibility for our new relationships, for the entanglements they may create. We can not continue to consume and consume while our emotional and social needs remain unmet and the environment continues to decline. In a sense, we are the willing guinea pigs who are forging a new culture that will continually evolve..

Start getting out there

If you wish to set up a new type of household then first define what you want. There are numerous websites and other forums for singles to get in touch with other singles, and while there might be hesitancy in blind dating for safety reasons, I have found that if you articulate what you are looking for then eventually you WILL attract the right people.

Remember you can rent a larger house and then sub-let smaller rooms to people who share the values of your new little community. Whether it's a vegatarian household, yoga based or one based on open relationships, you choose.

Try things only for a certain period of time, say for example, have over some willing friends to play house for a week and see how it goes. Create mutual understanding that everything is negotiable. Understand that everyone has things lurking in their closets that they have to deal with and that we must all move consciously, staying grounded in ourselves and have patience in dealing with the things that come up. It ain’t easy breaking out of the box, have some compassion for yourself and others.

Eventually you will have your own guidelines for your ideal community. This is what we have done at Hedonisia Hawaii, an eco-hostel and intentional community we have created in Hawaii. It took as a fair amount of time to experiment with and write the guidelines that are now the basis of our community.

Bearing the torch

If you choose a lifestyle of alternative relationships, be proud of it. The best way to get people discussing is to let it come up. You say some offhand comment, and the other asks, “what do you mean, your lovers' at home?”. Then SHARE about who you are, what you are choosing and most importantly, WHY. Even if people would never do that themselves, they are going to find it interesting, at least, to get a peek into things other people are doing. It may also get around to their friend who is very, very interested in meeting you. When people are open and honest with what they are doing, that gains them respect. If you are hiding something, people ask why. If you are still unsure of what you are doing, say so. Admit that you are doing an experiment. Keep you chin high!

Recreating ourselves, though, is no easy, peaceful, or passive experience and also not one that can be communicated easily to others. However, it remains our most pressing task. To be engaged in the world in a meaningful way, we must pass through some jagged terrain. No one can make your feelings go away, except you. No one has the magical key that will make your life whole, except you.

We take responsibility for our own happiness, following that which makes us healthy and whole, and discontinue seeking pacifiers for our unfilled voids, constantly re-negotiating with grief. To do this work, and stay in the world, enjoying and embracing it, one must remain without attatchments, acknowledging and letting them go but still learning to enjoy the present beauty of each moment and to express and do "that which feels good". Staying grounded in oneself, learning to be with oneself, and enjoying being who you are ENABLES being out and about with others and connecting in an amazing way.

Unit of One: Taking Responsibility for our own Happiness

Irreverence for the environment has been matched by growing disatisfaction with our lives. Our consumption patterns often reflect the turmoil going on underneath. We feed ourselves in many ways to avoid the fact that we are not listening to ourselves, our bodies or our planet. Learning to become a unit of one, to be happy within ourselves, is key to interacting effectively with others and the world.

Within each of us lies an extremely intricate web of broken dreams, broken trust, and broken hearts that keeps us from seeing the person and situation in front of us as they really are. These webs tie us down, whip us with their painful misassociations, and prevent us from acting as our spirit would, as the buddha inside us would. We often find ourselves in long, strange dramas filled with miscommunication, heated tempers, and not a lot of behaviors that we would be proud of. So we're trying to unveil our true selves, great, but what do we do in the meantime? We still fall in and out of love, we still get grumpy sharing the bathroom, we still make up all kinds of stories in our head about the people we interact with everyday- and REACT to that.

But what to do, baba?

The Indian guru, Osho talks about being a witness to these things. This is his path to that enlightened state. We practice being an observer to thoughts, moods, and emotions; watching and waiting for them to pass, and enjoying thier beauty for what they are. In Tantra we must balance being in the world but also remaining in the other world, the spiritual state. The negative triggers that our body, mind, and emotions create all the time WERE purposful in the past, to alarm us of dangerous potentials, but we are happy to be living in a world with far less to fear than we are afraid of. We grow into adults who can learn about, heal, and prevent impending traumas. But we still have the old system in our bodies and minds that continue to flicker and twitch. Learning to be in control, to be the master of this old outdated machine is the task; to rewire it, revamp it is our longterm goal.

A Community of Individuals

At Hedonisia for example, we have created a community that allows and nurtures personal space, privacy, and choices while also incorporating a communal vibe. In this way, the complexity of each individual can be respected, growth can take root, and yet also provide for beautiful communion with others. If we all make an agreement to respect each other in our fraility and weakness and cherish the ability to witness each other in our integrity and grace, then a community will be a great method for honoring the environment.

Creative Families and Friendships

Once we look with fresh eyes at our relationships, we can imagine a myriad of possibilities. Some ideas we've had:

A - Sister Goddess Houses
Single mothers can come together in households in order to make their time and purchases more efficient. With common goals, these women can enrich both their own lives as well as each others'.

B - 25/40 Relationships for Reducing Violence and World Peace
Older women can be a great influence on younger men, who are struggling to figure out what women want. And with so much sexual frustration in young men, it is no surprise that they often turn to violence and crime between 15 to 25. These two demographics dating each other can lead to a more sensible, sensitive, and peaceful generation of young men. Our idea is to set up websites and social clubs that offer the possibility for older women and younger men to date. One could call it the School for Aspiring Gentlemen! A young man is apprenticed by an older woman not for a long term relationship (though that can happen). Instead she teaches him how to love and appreciate a woman. For a sexually frustrated young man this would be a gift from the Goddess. And it would be a wonderful sensual alternative for a young man joining a gang . . . or the military.

C - Protecting Gay Rights in Africa, Middle East, South America and Asia as a Population Control Mechanism
While in some the desire is never there, being open to trying it should be encouraged and a part of our eco-culture. Homosexuality takes out the possibility of birthing more children, and those who so desire children can adopt. Also, in China and India, the male population is out of balance with the women, these lonely men are not neccesarily condusive to peaceful communities. As gay culture filters over there, more of these men will be able to have happy, fulfilling lives.

D - Creating Ecosensual Communities

Small communities, focused on going back to the land, are popping up all over. These communities sometimes have a particular secondary focus such as meditation, performing arts, or creating event spaces for others. This helps bring similarly minded people together rather than a random group. Communities could be created or refocused on the idea of ecosensuality. These communities can provide for more privacy than a household can and provide a setting for changing relationships, allowing people themselves to "flow" and explore the myriad of relationship possibilities.

It would bring together people who are open-minded in their sexual approach, with or without a spiritual aspect (swingers vs. tantrics) and who also have a passion for the environment. Group excercises and classes could be held to take community members up a notch in their exploration of sexuality and promote growth of each individual as well as spark great conversations in which to share ideas.